Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The best revenge is premature balding
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
