Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
