I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
