can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
