I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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