need another drink. this is the easiest way
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
