Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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