I'm so fucking centered right now
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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