My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
