How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
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Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize