kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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