I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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