Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
