Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize