I am in a vortex of obligation.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
