Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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