so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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