sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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