So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Operation Purity has been aborted
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
