I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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