Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
