if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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