Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
