my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
