Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
