loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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