If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
