you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
