my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
