It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
