I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
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There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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