she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
