There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
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I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
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She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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