my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
