sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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