I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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