we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
