thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
