I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
sex in a hospital.. check
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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