TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
