I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
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She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
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If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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