Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
