I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
