You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
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He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
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We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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