She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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