This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Randomize
