you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
