ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
