I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
