i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
