I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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