Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
